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The Law

Mindset -  XI

Putting a label on a child is an absolute no-no. Some very common ways that the parents us to label a child are, " See, how smart Rohan (neighbour's child) is" or "You are the most intelligent girl/ you are a genius" or "You are dumb" etc. Whenever we try to put a brand on the child, we are judging the child, favourably or unfavourably, and putting absolutely unnecessary baggage on the shoulders of the child.

I was very good in mathematics in the lower classes in school. I could solve a mathematical problem in no time. It was as if the solutions were flashed to me before I started to write on paper. I was branded as a mathematics whizkid by my parents, teachers and friends. I had raised hopes in everybody that I was destined for some super feats in mathematics. Then came Class IX and came the bubble burst. The solutions stopped flashing before my eyes. I was not able to solve the problems easily. That created another problem for me. I did not want others to see that I was struggling to solve the problems. How could a whizkid in mathematics struggle in solving a problem? My attitude to mathematics became one of disdain. In fact I was showing off to everyone else that mathematics was below my level of intelligence - below my stature. When alone, I was worried and depressed. I did very badly in my class test.

My school mathematics teacher, Jose Amranth, caught on to my problem. He was a very strict teacher. There was another side to him. He was a rare great mentor among school teachers. He took me aside to the teacher's room and after discussing threadbare understood that I was badly shaken in my confidence and in my "in-the-blood" ability to solve mathematics.

He prescribed that I should put in extra hours to practise mathematics and solve at least one hundred problems every day. That was a tough target. But he went after me with all he had. I started becoming better and better and recaptured my original interest in mathematics. I also realised that my ability to solve problems easily had been a result of my extra interest in that subject. This gave me the capability to solve problems easily which then got me branded and caused my downfall. Good old Mr Amranth!

Your child returns home with his score card. He has nod done well. He is downcast and obviously needs to be lifted up - lifted up, not cuddled. What will be your reaction? Let us see a few.

1/ Hey Son!. Come On. You are the best, you know

2/ Hey Son! Come one. This is not the end of the world. You will do much better next time.

3/ I am sure that your teacher did not teach properly.

4/ You are destined to be a dumb

5/ You got what you deserved. As you sow, you reap, Son.

The first three reaction are what the parents think as motivating feed backs. The fourth one is harsh. the fifth one is tough. Let us see the underlying message behind each of these feed backs.

The first one is a false feedback. The parents know that their son is not the best. Some of the others are doing much better. Such a feedback should never be given. The parents are encouraging complacency in the child's psyche.

This is not a complete feedback. In fact the most important aspect is left out in this feedback. What is needed to do better in the future? In the absence of this completeness, such a feedback is mere chatter.

The third and the fourth feedbacks are probably the worst of the lot. The third feedback assign blame to someone or something else and absolves the child from all responsibilities. The third feedback is a loser's mindset. I call a person with such a mindset as suffering from "victimitis". Such a person believes that he is a victim of circumstances and ,therefore, can not do anything about it.

The fourth feedback is judgemental. The child is being told that he is inferior. He is being told that he does not have "ability". And since he does not have ability, he has no hope. 

The parents, who give feedbacks one to four, have closed mindsets.

We will look at the last feedback in the next post.


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